Picture this: you walk into a restaurant and notice someone scrolling through Instagram while their food gets cold. Their phone is face-up on the table, buzzing with notifications. Meanwhile, at the next table, someone is reaching across the entire surface to grab the salt shaker. The dining scene has transformed dramatically, honestly. Traditional etiquette rules that once governed our behavior at the table have become quaint relics of a bygone era.
Recent research shows just how much things have changed. Most Americans adhere to at least some – but not all – traditional table manners while dining out with others, a recent YouGov survey finds. The most universally observed etiquette rule among those asked about is chewing with one’s mouth closed: 89% of Americans always or usually follow this practice. Though some basic manners persist, many others have quietly disappeared from modern dining. So let’s dive into these forgotten rules that barely anyone follows today.
Keep Your Phone Hidden Away
The smartphone revolution has completely upended traditional phone etiquette. Research shows that 71% of people use their phones when dining out to check social media feeds, message family or friends, take photos of their food, browse the internet and other activities. This represents a massive shift from the days when any phone usage at dinner was considered incredibly rude.
If your phone is sitting face-up on the table during a meal, that’s considered a breach of basic etiquette, especially in more formal or shared dining settings. Yet walk into any restaurant today and you’ll see phones scattered across tables like digital placemats. The old rule was simple: phones should remain completely out of sight during meals.
But apparently there are ‘two sets of rules’ as 8 in 10 people who admit to using their phones while dining also get irritated when they see others doing the same. This hypocrisy perfectly captures our modern dining dilemma. We’ve become so accustomed to constant connectivity that we’ve forgotten the art of being present during meals.
Wait for Everyone Before Starting
The rule about waiting until everyone is served before eating has become increasingly obsolete. 69% of American adults say they wait to eat until everyone at the table has their food. While this might seem like a reasonable percentage, it means nearly one in three people now starts eating without considering others at the table.
Traditional etiquette demanded that diners wait until the host or hostess began eating, or until everyone received their food. This showed respect for fellow diners and created a sense of communal dining. Today’s fast-paced culture has eroded this practice, with people prioritizing hot food over social courtesy.
The shift reflects our broader cultural move toward individualism and efficiency over collective consideration. Instagram-worthy food photography has only accelerated this trend, as people rush to capture their meals before they cool down. Social media has inadvertently turned dining into a performance rather than a shared experience.
Proper Napkin Placement
If you need to excuse yourself from the table, it’s proper etiquette to place your napkin on your chair. Nowadays, many diners just place them next to their plate. This subtle signal system once communicated important information to restaurant staff about whether a diner was finished or simply stepping away temporarily.
Two practices that Americans are divided on are keeping their elbows off the table (58% always or usually do this) and putting their napkin in their lap while eating (55%). The fact that nearly half of diners don’t consistently place their napkin in their lap shows how far we’ve drifted from traditional etiquette standards.
The napkin placement system was actually quite elegant and practical. Napkin on the chair meant “I’ll be back,” while napkin on the table signaled “I’m finished.” This wordless communication helped restaurant staff provide better service without interrupting conversations. Modern diners have largely abandoned this system, creating unnecessary confusion.
No Reaching Across the Table
Three-quarters (73%) of American adults say they ask for items to be passed instead of reaching across the table, which means roughly one in four people regularly commits this etiquette violation. Reaching across the table was once considered incredibly rude because it invaded other diners’ personal space and potentially disrupted their meals.
The traditional approach emphasized patience and communication over convenience. Asking “Could you please pass the salt?” created opportunities for interaction and showed consideration for others. It also prevented accidents like knocking over glasses or dragging sleeves through food.
Modern dining’s casual atmosphere has made reaching seem acceptable, especially in family settings or casual restaurants. However, this behavior can still disrupt the dining experience and create awkward moments when reaching over someone’s plate or drink. The old rule existed for good reasons that remain valid today.
Dress Codes Have Disappeared
The days of restaurant dress codes are all but over. Only a handful of eateries still require men to don a jacket and tie before dining. Today, comfort is key. The transformation of restaurant attire expectations represents one of the most visible changes in dining culture.
But in recent years, high-end restaurants have gradually loosened their dress codes (like the ability to keep your hat on your head when dining), and, today, you can find plenty of fine dining options that will welcome you even if you don’t own a mink stole or a drawer full of diamonds. “The dress to impress rule has taken a dive due to our casual way of living since 2020,” Lisa Mirza Grotts said.
The events of 2020 accelerated the casualization of restaurant dining, with many establishments permanently relaxing their dress standards. What once required suits and formal dresses now accepts “smart casual” or even regular street clothes. “The notion that one must always dress in formal attire for fine dining has relaxed, allowing for a more personal and creative expression while still adhering to the venue’s dress code,” she said. Yes, many fine dining restaurants still have dress codes – just not as strict or as formal as in previous years.
Men Always Pay the Bill
In years past, the check went to the man at the table – no questions asked. But in the 21st century, many women are more than willing to pick up the bill or split the tab. So don’t assume that one party is (or isn’t) paying based solely on their gender. This represents a fundamental shift in gender roles and expectations around dining.
The old rule reflected societal norms where men were expected to be financial providers and women were seen as guests. This created rigid expectations that often made both parties uncomfortable. Modern dining recognizes that financial responsibility should be discussed beforehand or divided fairly regardless of gender.
Generally, hosts may pay for a meal in a restaurant. In business meals for example, Kent State University advising on dining etiquette says that the “person who initiates the meal generally pays and tips appropriately”. However, in Europe, the phrase “going Dutch” refers to splitting a restaurant bill between two or more people. The tradition has roots in the Netherlands, where paying separately as a group is common dining etiquette, and each person pays for the specifics of their order.
Using the Correct Fork
38% say they regularly use cutlery from the outside in when eating multiple courses. This means the majority of diners have abandoned the traditional method of working inward through their place setting as courses progress. The formal dining approach created an elegant system for multi-course meals that prevented confusion and maintained proper etiquette.
The outside-in rule was practical for elaborate dining experiences where multiple utensils were needed for different courses. Each utensil was specifically positioned for its intended use, creating a roadmap for the meal. Modern casual dining rarely requires this level of complexity, making the rule seem unnecessarily formal.
The fork may be used in the American style (in the left hand while cutting and in the right hand to pick up food) or the European Continental style (fork always in the left hand). Even basic fork usage has become more flexible, with diners choosing whatever feels most comfortable rather than following traditional methods.
No Elbows on the Table
Two practices that Americans are divided on are keeping their elbows off the table (58% always or usually do this), meaning nearly half of diners regularly rest their elbows on the table despite traditional etiquette prohibiting this behavior. The rule originated from practical concerns about crowded dining spaces and formal presentation.
If your parents were strict about this rule as a kid, good luck ever breaking it. But for the rest of us, rest assured that it’s not a major faux pas anymore. This childhood rule has become increasingly flexible as dining becomes more casual and conversational.
The elbow rule also helped maintain proper posture and created space for others at the table. In formal dining settings, proper posture conveyed respect and attention to the meal and companions. Modern dining’s emphasis on comfort and relaxation has made this rule feel unnecessarily restrictive.
Bread Eating Protocol
If you reach for a dinner roll, you’re supposed to tear off one piece at a time – and butter each bite individually. But today, convenience is King and diners often choose to butter the entire slice at once – if they’re even eating bread at all. With keto, gluten-free and low-carb diets on the rise, it’s no surprise this rule is outdated.
The traditional bread protocol served multiple purposes: it prevented waste, maintained elegant presentation, and slowed down the eating process to match the meal’s pace. Tearing off bite-sized pieces also prevented double-dipping butter knives and maintained hygiene standards.
Modern dietary trends have made bread consumption less universal, while time pressures encourage efficiency over elaborate etiquette. Many restaurants have stopped serving complimentary bread altogether, making these rules increasingly irrelevant. When bread does appear, diners prioritize convenience over traditional protocols.
Silent Phones and Digital Devices
Studies suggest that using your smartphone while on a date is often considered inappropriate, more than in a place of worship, in a movie theater or while having dinner with family. Yet despite recognizing phone usage as inappropriate during intimate dining, people continue using devices throughout meals.
Research from BRP Consulting found that 38 percent of dining experiences now involve smartphone or mobile devices – from initial research to sharing the experience on social media. This statistic shows how thoroughly technology has penetrated the dining experience, from choosing restaurants to documenting meals.
The traditional expectation was complete focus on companions and the meal itself. Phones didn’t exist, so diners engaged in conversation, observed their surroundings, and savored their food without digital distractions. Many UK diners find other diners using their mobile phone annoying and bad manners, yet the practice continues to spread.
The irony is striking: we know phone usage bothers others, yet we continue the behavior ourselves. This disconnect between knowledge and action perfectly illustrates how thoroughly smartphones have disrupted traditional dining etiquette. The old rules simply couldn’t anticipate our modern relationship with technology.
What strikes me most about these forgotten etiquette rules is how they once created structure and consideration in our dining experiences. While some rules were unnecessarily rigid, many served genuine purposes: showing respect for others, creating smooth social interactions, and enhancing the overall dining experience. The question isn’t whether we should return to Victorian-era formality, though. Rather, it’s about finding balance between modern convenience and timeless courtesy.
What do you think about these vanishing dining rules? Are we better off without them, or have we lost something valuable in our rush toward casual dining? Tell us in the comments.
